What The Hell Has Gotten Into The Cleveland Browns?

There's an old saying in Cleveland: "You can set a football on the fifty-yard line at Browns Stadium and 70,000 people will show up to watch it." 

The idea is that Browns fans are so loyal (perhaps to the point of stupidity) that the front office doesn't have to do a damn thing to keep them appeased.

This off-season, the Browns have re-signed Jamal Lewis and Derek Anderson, traded for defensive linemen Corey Williams and Shaun Rogers, and picked up wide receiver Donte' Stallworth.

Whaaaa?

I was too young to remember the title-contending Browns teams of the mid-1980s. The Browns I know sign washed-up free agents to huge contracts, are out of contention halfway through the season, and pack up and move to Baltimore.

I have to hand it to general manager Phil Savage. I don't know if he feared losing his job, or if he had one of those Rocky II: "Win!" moments, but over the last few off-seasons he's had a fire lit under his ass.

At the beginning of last season, Chris Collinsworth said that he didn't consider the Cleveland Browns to be a real football team. Now the Browns are getting respect from the likes of John Clayton and Peter King. And even with a brutal 2008 schedule, the Browns could be the favorites to win the AFC North.

I can't believe I just typed that.

Larry Hughes Still Sucks

The new Cavs beat the old Cavs today, 95-86. 

In his return to Cleveland, Larry Hughes scored 23 points, but he was 8-20 from the field. That's the Larry I know.

WALLY had his finest game since joining the Wine & Gold, scoring 17 points and hitting a crucial three-pointer late in the fourth.

But let's face it, this was Bron-Bron's show. Without Z, Boobie, or Sasha, LeBron had to carry the team. Today, he played the last ten minutes like his hair was on fire.

King James had 37 points, including a MONSTER DUNK over Luol Deng to cap off a big run. And as the clock ran out, I couldn't help but notice his seeming enjoyment at taking down Larry and Drew.

Cavs Trade Bunch Of Guys For Other Bunch Of Guys

Larry Hughes is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

Hallelujah.

This may mark the end of one of my favorite websites, but thank you Jim Paxson for being dumb enough to take Larry Hughes! Sure, we got another terrible contract in The Beast, but at least we're not expecting him to score points and distribute the basketball.

We also lost Scruffy McBeardsalot, but we picked up Joe Smith. He's old, but he's averaging 11.2 points and 5.3 boards, roughly the same numbers as Drew.

We got Wally Szczerbiak, a pricey, aging shooter who still has a bit left in the tank (unlike the walking corpse that is Donyell Marshall).

The wild card of the deal is Delonte West. He seems like a goofy bastard, but he's also a young, left-handed point guard.

We'll see how it all shakes out, but I'm mildly enthusiastic.

Where Is That "New Browns" Quarterback Now?: Josh Booty "Don't Tase Me, Bro!" Edition

Today we're going to talk about good ol' boy Josh Booty.

After a remarkable high school career (apparently he's on the All-Time National High School All-American team), Josh Booty was signed by the Florida Marlins. He played in 13 games over three years for the Marlins (receiving a World Series ring in 1997 when the Marlins beat the . . . um . . . we'll just skip over who they played).

His baseball career stalled, Booty went to college at LSU (that wonderful institution of higher learning) and became the starting quarterback. After two years, he entered the NFL Draft and was selected in the 6th round by the Seattle Seahawks. Booty was traded to the Browns, where he served as a back-up quarterback from 2001-2004, the Tim Couch/Kelly Holcomb years. He never threw a pass for the Brownies. But where is he now?

Hell if I know. I'm going to guess he's either being drunk, driving, resisting arrest, getting tasered, or having a hilarious mug shot taken.

Brady Quinn Does Not Like The Gays

EAS Myoplex spokesman/professional bench-warmer Brady Quinn is back in the news.

The Plain Dealer reports that Quinn and his pals (all of them totally straight, mind you) were at a Columbus bar on New Year's Day when they decided to verbally abuse some gay passers-by. Seth Harris, who filed a police report, claims that Quinn called him a "faggot."

Yikes. Say it ain't so, Brady! I always thought that you were one of the gayest guys in the NFL. At least, you certainly enjoy showing off your body for a straight guy. You've posed topless more times than Pam Anderson. Maybe it's some secret long-running shirtless competition with Matthew McConaughey, but seriously, I bet you would take the field with a #10 painted on your chest if you could.

All I'm saying is once you accept who you are, you're going to be a lot happier.

Fourteen-peat (™ Pat Riley)

The Cavs beat the Miami Heat 97-90 tonight, despite a hungry Heat team, a guarantee by Sir Charles, and a 42-point, out-of-his-gourd performance by D. Wade.

Even though it came against a team that had lost 14 consecutive games, this was one of the best wins of the season for the Cavs.

The key to tonight's victory was balance. Bron-Bron wasn't at his very best--11-for-26 with 28 points and five turnovers--but the rest of the team stepped up, as five Cavs scored in double digits (Larry Hughes was 4-for-8 with nine points).

Cleveland had lost nine straight in Miami. The Cavs have won four games in a row and are 8-1 in 2008. More importantly, they pulled ahead of the Toronto Raptors and into the 5th spot in the Eastern Conference standings.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Ricky Davis is still a slimeball:

I've Figured Out What's Wrong With Sasha Pavlovic

Frodo stole his identity.

That's right, Elijah Wood, Teen Choice Awards nominee and portrayer of douchebags, has kidnapped guard Sasha Pavlovic and taken his spot in the Cleveland Cavaliers starting line-up.

Wood, a self-proclaimed Smashing Pumpkins worshipper who shares an uncanny resemblance to Pavlovic, is responsible for the guard's staggering drops in field goal percentage, three-point field goal percentage, free-throw percentage, and points.

Despite the overwhelming statistical evidence, Cavs coach Mike Brown has insisted on starting "Pavlovic" (wink wink) over Daniel Gibson, who has better offensive numbers in all categories. 

Brown, a fan of Happy Feet, had no comment.